Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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