I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
