I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
