I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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