I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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