She is in my trunk
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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