I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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