I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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