I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
