I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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