Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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