How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
