I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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