I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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