I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
