Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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