So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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