I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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