did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
