Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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