Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
