he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
