I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
