I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
