just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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