she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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