i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
