I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
