I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
