My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
