I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
