Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
