i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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