Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize