He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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