I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
