You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
