sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
