My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
