i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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