dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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