and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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