i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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