it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
