his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
