is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Hippo gnu deer
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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