I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
