Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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