Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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