i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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