if only i could text you this smell
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
