ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
