kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
