You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
