using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
