Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The feeling are messing with the penis
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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