Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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